Divorce - Going to the Movies II

THE KARATE KID (1984)

This classic film was remade this year with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. The 1984 version starring the recently deceased Pat Morita was one of my favorite movies when I was young. It's about a boy that grows up without a father. In the first movie, his mother picks him up out of Philadelphia and moves him to LA, while in the second movie she moves him from Detroit to Beijing. It almost doesn't matter where they came from and where they ended up. What's important here is the journey to manhood that this boy Dre Parker experiences.

Jackie Chan brilliantly portrays the same character we see in 1984 - moderately depressed, burdened, intelligent, and loving. He skillfully plays Mr. Han, the wounded hero who takes interest in a young boy who's all alone in a new place - a boy who's picked on by bullies who just want him to suffer. And of course there's a heroine (aside from a steadfastly committed mother). She is Han Wen Wen in the second movie and Elizabeth Shue in first movie, a slightly older girl with some maternal qualities who takes interest in this pre-pubescent 12 year old boy.

Karate Kid is about a coming of age with a starkly portrayed, childlike character of a boy. He's thin, small, and waiflike. His potential girlfriend is more developed so when he earns her love, it is the sweetest of victories.

But this movie is about bonding, like the bonding you saw in an Officer and a Gentleman with Richard Gere. This older man, Mr. Han, teaches a struggling boy the discipline of martial arts. Jaden Smith's character, Dre, grows, overcomes several obstacles, and in the final scene defeats the bullies who in turn honor Mr. Han as the true teacher and realize their own disgrace. This is about good and evil, but its essence comes from a boy who finds a father figure in the end.

Divorce - Going to the Movies

Movies can be a wonderful way to connect to your kids as your family go through a divorce. The reason for this is because of a psychological relief called displacement. Let me explain.

When you directly ask your kids how they feel about the divorce, it’s sometimes difficult for them to explain. It’s too weird for them and the question is emotionally charged. If you ask, they may not answer, cry, go straight to their room, or say, “leave me alone.” Any of these responses means that they’re flooded with feeling and they can’t handle it.

A direct question is simply too much. Fortunately, there is a technique to handle this -it’s called displacement. With this, you can talk about a movie, book, or someone else’s life – use similar situations that aren’t your own as a proxy to talk about what they’re going through.

Good Divorce Movies:

In the 1998 classic Mrs. Doubtfire, Sally Fields files for divorce and gains custody of her three children. Faced with little choice, Robin Williams, the father, pretends to their nanny in order to spend time with his children. It is a hysterical and moving portrait of an American family dealing with divorce.

Liar Liar is a 1997 classic starring Jim Carrey who portrays a dishonest, newly divorced father who is terribly involved with his work (sounds familiar?) His child’s birthday wish is that he never lies anymore. This wish comes true, and sets off a series of events that leads to a warm reunion homecoming of sorts.

Imagine That, starring Eddie Murphy, is a 2009 heart warmer in which he plays a divorced father who reconnects to his daughter after a separation with his wife. Apparently his daughter has special powers which allow him to do his job better. However, Murphy was too involved with work, creating a major strain in his relationship with his family. Murphy’s transition from a workaholic into a loving father sends an important message – both endearing and wonderful for young children.

These movies allow you to sit down and enjoy some quality time with your child. After the movie, you can talk and allow them to express their reactions to it. The very fact that you sat together and enjoyed the movie shows that they have internalized what is happening in your household.

It’s important for them to know that they’re not the only ones and they’ll get through it.