Vacation, Divorce, and You

Vacations and divorce: Summertime is here, and with it comes unique hurdles and real opportunities for families of divorce. Parents who are early on in the divorce process need to think carefully about their plans and tailor them for their children. What we want is fun for all.

The first summer after a separation is challenging for all involved–especially the children. As the season opens, and school schedules change, kids are often left with more downtime to spend with their respective parents. Vacations pose an additional need for adjustments for you, your estranged spouse, and your children. In keeping with the mantra of The Intelligent Divorce: your children must always come first. Make sure that they don't get stuck, yet again, right in the middle of their parent's issues.

Let's start with the positive: Vacation is meant to be a time for bonding and fun. For the non-custodial parent, it is a time to strengthen the parent-child bond, to connect in a deep way, and to make new and wonderful memories. For the custodial parent, vacation is a time when you don't have to check homework and you can be more relaxed and flexible on bedtime. It gives you a chance to enjoy your kids with less worry and fuss.

Timing: When planning a vacation, it is important to consider how much time has passed since the divorce. If recent, then a vacation–even just a week or two–is a long time for kids to be away from their other parent. Be prepared to manage your children's homesickness and/or separation anxiety, especially if you’re the non-custodial parent. Decide in advance when and how often your children can touch base with their mom or dad. If you are the parent of youngsters, you may need to be extra sensitive. A two-week vacation may be too much for your six-year-old, if up until this point she has not been away from her mother for more than three days. Do not feel rejected; your children are moving through the stages of grief at their own speed.

Location: We are creatures of habit, and as such like to go back certain places again and again. Forewarned is forearmed: traveling to the old family vacation spot will surely bring up happy memories for your kids when the family was intact, which will likely follow with sad thoughts about the divorce. I advise you start fresh with an unvisited place, one where new memories can be made, and old, fond memories needn't risk being tainted.

Preparation: There are several things you can do to make the family vacation more stress-free, most of which center around the important idea of effective communication with your ex. Make it a point to arrange your children’s schedule together with your ex, in order to avoid unpleasant surprises and fights over your kids’ time. Co-planning will lessen the awkward and unnecessary issue of one parent inadvertently (or otherwise) scheduling a vacation that interferes with a child’s routine. This includes the end or beginning of the school year, other summer activities, or an important time for the ex-spouses, like Mom’s birthday or Father’s Day. Above all else, remember: vacation is not a competition with your ex to see who is the ‘better’ parent. It’s a good idea to plan fun activities with your children, but don’t over-do it. Your vacation should be a chance for you and your kids to enjoy quality time together.

Introducing your “new friend”: Have you ever seen The Parent Trap (or any number of other movies) where the divorced parent brings a new girlfriend or boyfriend on vacation, against the wishes of his or her kids? In the movies, it is a plot device introduced to wreak havoc and chaos–which it almost certainly will in real life, too. Avoid making this common mistake by resisting the temptation to bring along your new flame. Especially after a recent divorce, your kids will not be ready. They may well resent the fact that this ‘new person’ is coming on the family vacation. Don't put them in a position where they may feel disloyal to their other parent, or where they feel forced into the acceptance of the finality of their parent's divorce before they are organically ready. You need to wait until some time has passed. I recommend one calendar year at minimum.

We know the summer months and family vacations can be stressful times, but they can also be fun times, the backdrop for new memories and new family traditions.

Divorce - Going to the Movies II

THE KARATE KID (1984)

This classic film was remade this year with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. The 1984 version starring the recently deceased Pat Morita was one of my favorite movies when I was young. It's about a boy that grows up without a father. In the first movie, his mother picks him up out of Philadelphia and moves him to LA, while in the second movie she moves him from Detroit to Beijing. It almost doesn't matter where they came from and where they ended up. What's important here is the journey to manhood that this boy Dre Parker experiences.

Jackie Chan brilliantly portrays the same character we see in 1984 - moderately depressed, burdened, intelligent, and loving. He skillfully plays Mr. Han, the wounded hero who takes interest in a young boy who's all alone in a new place - a boy who's picked on by bullies who just want him to suffer. And of course there's a heroine (aside from a steadfastly committed mother). She is Han Wen Wen in the second movie and Elizabeth Shue in first movie, a slightly older girl with some maternal qualities who takes interest in this pre-pubescent 12 year old boy.

Karate Kid is about a coming of age with a starkly portrayed, childlike character of a boy. He's thin, small, and waiflike. His potential girlfriend is more developed so when he earns her love, it is the sweetest of victories.

But this movie is about bonding, like the bonding you saw in an Officer and a Gentleman with Richard Gere. This older man, Mr. Han, teaches a struggling boy the discipline of martial arts. Jaden Smith's character, Dre, grows, overcomes several obstacles, and in the final scene defeats the bullies who in turn honor Mr. Han as the true teacher and realize their own disgrace. This is about good and evil, but its essence comes from a boy who finds a father figure in the end.

Divorce - Going to the Movies

Movies can be a wonderful way to connect to your kids as your family go through a divorce. The reason for this is because of a psychological relief called displacement. Let me explain.

When you directly ask your kids how they feel about the divorce, it’s sometimes difficult for them to explain. It’s too weird for them and the question is emotionally charged. If you ask, they may not answer, cry, go straight to their room, or say, “leave me alone.” Any of these responses means that they’re flooded with feeling and they can’t handle it.

A direct question is simply too much. Fortunately, there is a technique to handle this -it’s called displacement. With this, you can talk about a movie, book, or someone else’s life – use similar situations that aren’t your own as a proxy to talk about what they’re going through.

Good Divorce Movies:

In the 1998 classic Mrs. Doubtfire, Sally Fields files for divorce and gains custody of her three children. Faced with little choice, Robin Williams, the father, pretends to their nanny in order to spend time with his children. It is a hysterical and moving portrait of an American family dealing with divorce.

Liar Liar is a 1997 classic starring Jim Carrey who portrays a dishonest, newly divorced father who is terribly involved with his work (sounds familiar?) His child’s birthday wish is that he never lies anymore. This wish comes true, and sets off a series of events that leads to a warm reunion homecoming of sorts.

Imagine That, starring Eddie Murphy, is a 2009 heart warmer in which he plays a divorced father who reconnects to his daughter after a separation with his wife. Apparently his daughter has special powers which allow him to do his job better. However, Murphy was too involved with work, creating a major strain in his relationship with his family. Murphy’s transition from a workaholic into a loving father sends an important message – both endearing and wonderful for young children.

These movies allow you to sit down and enjoy some quality time with your child. After the movie, you can talk and allow them to express their reactions to it. The very fact that you sat together and enjoyed the movie shows that they have internalized what is happening in your household.

It’s important for them to know that they’re not the only ones and they’ll get through it.