Where Are My Friends - A Case Study

You know, now that I’m struggling with some depression, I realize how much I lost with this divorce. Danny, my ex, never really wanted to hang out with my friends, and while I liked his friends, now that we are divorced, they want to hang out with him. So it’s slim pickings for me. You know I wonder if this is what happens in most divorces. Why do friends feel the need to choose?


Sandra, age 53

Like Sandra, your community of friends and family may not be there for you in the way you expect. You may have one or two good friends who are there. You may be surprised by who shows up and pays attention; you may be saddened by those who don’t. In death, you these issues don’t come up. In divorce, they do.

For-warned is for-armed. Just know that if you are going through a divorce, you will need to find people who care about you. Don’t spend a lot of time in disappointment, because, there are going to be people who will disappoint you. Instead look for those who care – and they are there.

You can make grief last a lot longer if you focus on how people fall short. Many do.

Try DivorceCares, or find a support group, or reconnect with old buddies that have always cared about you and be open to discovering those friends that actually come through for you. They are a godsend.

Where Are My Friends

The loss of a marriage is a real death. That is why people grieve in divorce despite the fact that nobody has died. Grief applies to other human losses and not to a loss that comes from death. In some ways it is trickier to recover from divorce than from a death, because when you lose a spouse, a child, or a parent to death, the community responds in a positive ways because everyone understands.

But, when it comes to divorce, not everyone understands. It’s a process that pushes people’s buttons—some people will judge, others will pull away and others will simply feel awkward. You’ve probably known a divorcee who lost his friends in the process, or whose buddies felt they needed to choose sides. For some family and friends, divorce creates a dynamic they are just not prepared to handle.