Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Value of Grief: Part Three (2)

The bandage keeps the wound from getting reinjured and it stays there to protect the skin from being poked or prodded. In divorce the bandage is a commitment to keeping you protected and safe as you heal. Sometimes this can be in the guise of a good therapist, or a lawyer who protect your rights. But the most important “bandage” in divorce is your wise decisions to set limits with your ex when necessary. You cannot allow yourself to be bullied or manipulated. And you may need some time away from the situation as you heal. Ultimately, unless he is a total jerk, you will have to step up and co-parent with him. But you can only do this effectively after you have done a good bit of healing.


Finally, both wounds of the body and of the soul, take time to heal. The deeper the wound, the more time it takes to heal. Give yourself the time that you need. Grieving is good for you as long as you are healing. Pathological guilt is when you simply can’t move on.


Grief slows you down so you can appreciate what you had, digest your hurt, and ultimately, focus on the future. Towards that end, it may even affect you physiologically. You may lose your appetite or become ravenous, or have difficulty falling or staying asleep. This is your mind telling you that it needs time to heal, and by managing your divorce intelligently—perhaps with guidance from a minister, pastor, rabbi, or therapist—you will heal.


Allow yourself to grieve. Keep out of situations that will open it up, yet again. Keep yourself surrounded by those that care for you. Take good care of yourself and protect your rights and need to feel safe. Keep your eye on the prize: your children. Time will help you to heal.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Value of Grief: Part Three (1)

When you are hurt, like cutting yourself with a knife, the body bleeds. When your skin is cut, bleeding occurs because there is no defense initiated as of yet. Platelets and clotting factors need some time to seal the initial wound. The grief over a divorce works the same way; like being left or hearing that she does not want to be with you anymore. You cry in despair or feel the emptiness that rejection brings. The body feels the pain of the injury and you do as well. It can be unbearable. But then the brain secretes endorphins and the pain system learns to habituate to the acute pain so a person can function. This is what happens in grief as well. The acute pain cannot be in your conscious mind 24/7; it ebbs and flows, especially if you are triggered by something.


A physical wound remains tender, even after the clotting has stopped the bleeding and the acute pain has subsided. It is very easy to reinjure the wound if it is poked or if you move in the wrong way. In fact, if you go back too quickly to life as normal, it is likely that it will break open and start to bleed again, and you are back to square one. In your grieving over the divorce, it is easy to reinjure or open up your wound. You can be triggered by something your ex says or does. You can be triggered by seeing a happy family playing in the park, only to remind you of what you have lost. Or, you can open the wound by dating prematurely and experiencing rejection, once again.


In order to help a wound heal, you add a dressing, like an antibiotic and keep it clean. This is lovingly attending the brokenness of the wound. In your divorce, the dressing consists of people who really love you. It also includes taking loving care of yourself, keeping up with your exercise routine, eating well and trying to get a good night’s sleep.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Value of Grief: Part Two

Grief is the natural, psychological response to the loss of a marriage, and you need to go through it in order to come out of your divorce healthy and strong. Let’s understand grief more deeply. It will help you go through it in a healthy way. Fighting grief usually makes it last longer, like going back to a sport before an injury has really healed. This is how you get hurt, yet again


Take a look at the chart below. It will help you visualize your mind’s immune reaction:



The body has its wisdom in healing, and so does the mind. You can literally see the pain of a physical wound and watch as the immune system takes charge of the healing process. Psychological wounds heal in the same way, you just can’t see it. There are two lists below. The left enumerates the stages of the body’s healing process. For each stage on the left, there is a corresponding stage on the right, describing the mind’s therapeutic equivalent for psychological wounds.


Grief slows you down so you can appreciate what you had, digest your hurt, and ultimately, focus on the future. Towards that end, it may even affect you physiologically. You may lose your appetite or become ravenous, or have difficulty falling or staying asleep. This is your mind telling you that it needs time to heal, and by managing your divorce intelligently—perhaps with guidance from a minister, pastor, rabbi, or therapist—you will heal. It bears repeating: grief is a positive thing.